I have good intentions of blogging regularly (as in at least weekly, not monthly), yet I don't make it a priority. Which is funny, because writing energizes me, awakens my soul, my eyes, my mind to what's really within me. I let life pass me by and I do things and I talk and I sleep while often not fully aware, engaged, inspired, or tapped into the fact that life is this grand thing and goes well beyond my own checklist and daily activities.
So I graduated from college a week ago. It really doesn't make any sense to me that I'm done. The whole thing seemed kind of anti-climatic. And my past seems all a blur right now. I was just facebook stalking some friends from high school and thinking about how long ago that was and how much I've changed...and how facebook doesn't allow me to really know what's going on with them and what they've been through and experienced these past four years...most of it is a facade. My facebook included.
I have tons of pictures of me smiling. Lots of me smiling on graduation day when I was holding back tears all day. There are no pictures of me crying in my car on the way to Indy just hours later. People don't pull out cameras when they're sad, angry, hurting, bitter, lonely, confused, or disheartened. You only see those pictures in art galleries. That good, rich, deep, beautiful photography that I love BECAUSE it displays true human emotion.
I am learning the value of allowing myself to experience and express what's truly going on deep within me. Mourning my losses and change, and from doing that, feeling extreme joy and gratitude and hope which allows me to keep moving, resting in God's faithfulness and provision for my future.
I often forget that God takes an active role in my life. It's only when I allow myself to really deeply feel and recognize the state of my heart while crying out to Him that I recognize He's near and listening and real and PRESENT.
When I was in the car on my way to Indy last Saturday I had Mumford and Sons playing. I felt almost as if I had gone through a break up when I left Taylor, and the music collided with the emotions of the day and I began sobbing. Through my sobbing and over the music, I began to pray. Audibly praying, over the music and lyrics, crying out to God to nurture the relationships that had been built in my years at Taylor. In my prayer, as my tears began to turn from sadness to gratitude, I spoke the words "Thank you that this is not the end." RIGHT as I spoke those words into existence through my tears, desperately wanting to believe the truth of them, my ears turned back to the lyrics as the lead singer echoed back to me "This is not the end." ("Serve God, love me and men. This is not the end." It had just turned back to track 1 as I was praying). I simultaneously smiled and cried more as I realized God was right there, listening to me and wanted me to hear the truth of the words I had just spoken. He is omnipresent, omniscient, and omnipotent, not some high in the sky God. He lives in us and among us and He wants to speak to us if we'll only reach beyond the surface of what we see and do and think we know.
I'm a mess inside. We're all a mess inside. Life can't be seen in facebook pictures and statuses.
God begins to reveal Himself when we realize and expose our mess. There's no way we'd realize we need Him without recognizing that deep within us there's something that needs cleaning up.