Ethiopia: Here I am...use me.

To anyone who has asked me the question, "How was Ethiopia?", first of all, thank you for caring, acknowledging and remembering that I was halfway across the world for a month. But I hope you know that I can't answer that in a word or in a sentence. I've mostly been saying "amazing"...which is the most accurate word I can come up with...but completely insufficient.

Here’s a breakdown of what we did while we were there:

A team of 19 of us went to Project Mercy in Yetabon, Ethiopia where we divided into pairs to teach English to 1st, 2nd, and 3rd graders at Project Mercy’s school of 1800 students. I taught with my teaching partner, Adam, under a tree, in weather that ranged in the 70s (while the rest of you were freezing your butts off. Yeah I’m gonna rub it in), with a small portable chalkboard and whatever teaching supplies we could muster up. We had 6 classes a day (2 first grade, 2 second grade, and 2 third grade), each for 45 minutes and with about 10-15 students in each class. About 70 of these 1800 K-12 students are “House Kids,” orphans that live on Project Mercy’s compound. We got especially close to those kids as we played with them every day after school or on weekends, sat with them at meals, taught them in class, or tutored them.

The first Saturday we hiked at Crater Lake, some of us going down a pretty steep and treacherous path to touch the water. We took two more long (about 5 hour) hikes in the mountains that surrounded Project Mercy –the first to a waterfall, the second to an Orthodox Church and then some of us went up to the top of the mountain. I felt I was in a constant state of awe and praise as I hiked, not even believing that this was real life and I wasn’t dreaming.

What ended up being a pretty large part of our ministry too, besides teaching and building relationships with the House Kids, was performance of music and drama. Kayla and I brought our guitars and Heidi brought her violin, so we led worship on numerous occasions. We also prepared multiple skits before coming, some which I was a part of, and three of them—without any words—displayed the gospel message to the people. (Ethiopia is a pretty evenly divided country between Muslims and Christians. The House Kids all attend a Christian church Sunday mornings, but 95% of Yetabon is Muslim, so a majority of our students were Muslim.) We had the opportunity to perform our music and drama multiple times—in church services on their Christmas (January 7) and 3 Sunday morning services; a special performance for the House Kids; at our “American Day” assembly for the whole school; and at our final bonfire with the House Kids.

I also had the opportunity of giving an eighth-grader named Ashenofi a couple guitar lessons, I led a young girls’ Bible study with Brittany after school, typed a couple high school final exams for teachers, led worship during team meetings, and had my first star-tripping experience. J And every night we came together as a team after dinner and had a time of devotionals (led by a different member of the team every night) and prayer, planned our lessons for the next day in a room full of construction paper, crayons, balloons, and just utter chaos, and laid on the basketball court with our heads in a circle looking up at the wide expanse of stars. It was glorious.

Reflection:

I wish words and pictures could capture my experience. I want desperately to go back there someday and take with me those that I dearly love. I was saddened by the poverty and the lack of progress in that country. My students would come to school with the same faded and ripped clothes and shoes (if they had shoes) every day. And as we discovered on our hikes, many students came from tukuls (huts) on the mountains and would have to leave in the morning for school, making the maybe 1 or 2 hour hike down in the dark, some without shoes. These children had flies crawling on their faces and bodies from living with their animals and very rarely, if ever, bathing. And yet, when it came down to it, in a lot of ways they were no different than kids in America. They roared with laughter while we played with balloons to teach colors, there were the classic jokesters in every class, and they went crazy over play-doh and stickers.

I was spiritually refreshed and renewed by the joy, generosity, beauty, and simplicity of the people and the country. I was challenged as a teacher and undoubtedly have become a better teacher through teaching 6 classes of non-English speaking students every day and trying to figure out the best and most effective way of getting the material across to them. I was taken out of my comfort zone in leading worship and acting in the dramas (I almost didn’t even take my guitar with). And I think most importantly I was taught a lesson in love and what it looks like to love from my interactions with the House Kids and from seeing my team’s love and devotion and time spent with those precious children. This may sound cheesy, but it’s true: it was like a little glimpse of heaven on earth. One memory I will forever hold in my heart is the memory of walking a young boy, Solomon, who was in one of my third grade classes, back to the house after the bonfire. I asked him to sing me his favorite song, and he sang it first in Amharic (the primary language at Project Mercy and in the capital), and then in English, and it went something like “I love you Jesus (repeated), I hold you in my heart.” A simple song, but one of the most beautiful things I had ever heard. We sung it together as we walked back that night, and it’s something I’ll always cherish.

It’s sad how quickly this whole experience can just kind of vanish from your mind. I felt like I was in a different world for a month, so coming back here was…weird. My transition has been pretty difficult, and I’m still not adjusted or motivated for the semester, but I think that will come in time. It’s crazy how things that have impacted you so much you can just put aside and just totally compartmentalize. I talked about going shopping in Chicago over J-term break and using my Forever 21 gift cards. My mom’s reaction was “wow, I thought you would say you wouldn’t want to shop after an experience like that.” I responded that I guess I caught the shopping bug again. I am shocked now at what I said. But I hadn’t yet processed the experience. I hadn’t yet brought it back here and learned from it and took what I saw and felt and experienced and did something about it. So now that I’ve done a little more processing this week, I have realized the lessons I learned in Ethiopia. I pray to God that they stay with me and become evident in my life from now to forever.

1. Live without fear…God will step in and take care of everything
2. Love without holding back. It was so hard to leave those kids after investing so much of ourselves into them and them into us, but it was worth it. Our ministry was effective because we aimed to love to the extent that Jesus loved.
3. I cannot be fulfilled with man’s praise. Seek out only the affirmation that comes from God’s word and you will conquer any feelings of inadequacy. I know now that He alone has the ability to satisfy, strengthen, and bless me.
4. “I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13 I never believed so fully in that verse before as I continually stepped out in faith and surrendered what I thought my limitations were.
5. I don’t need anything of this world. "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal." Matthew 6:19

Lastly, I want to say a heartfelt THANK YOU to those who thought about and prayed for me and my team this January. God truly took care of us and blessed our time there, proving Himself faithful again and again. I would love to share more stories or answer any questions you have, so please seek me out! Also, pictures are up on facebook! : )

Thanks for taking the time to read.

Love love love,
Julie

God is stronger...

Wow, I can't believe I haven't written since September.

Busyness has consumed me this past semester.
Busyness has consumed me thus far this Christmas break.
I'm even feeling a little guilty writing this post right now because I hear my mom vacuuming and I feel I should be cleaning my room or doing something that appears "productive," even though to me, right now, THIS is productive.

So, here are some thoughts I have right now...

First of all,
I am sick of Christmas parties. I feel like everyone to some extent puts on a mask, we stuff ourselves full of food, and after multiple days in a row of socializing and eating, all I want to do is hide in my room or jump on an elliptical, not go to yet another party. I'd much rather spend quality time with a friend, cousin, or grandparent shopping, taking a walk, or having a cup of coffee--one on one in a setting where we can open up and not getting fat and feeling gross after enormous amounts of food. But that's just me. And I know Christmas parties are inevitably going to happen for the rest of my life. And I can deal. Just in small amounts, please.

Second of all,
I leave for Ethiopia in 9 days....and I am nervous, anxious, feeling inadequate, unprepared, and honestly, not excited right now. And I know spiritual warfare is playing into those feelings...I know the devil has a hold because I have not been intentionally praying against those feelings and in the Word. And busyness (often in the form of Christmas parties!!!) has prevented me from really taking time for serious devotion, thought, prayer, reading, and journaling. I have voiced these feelings to a couple friends, and was surprised and so encouraged to hear both of them say something to the extent of, "Julie, God has been preparing you all your life...for every work He will have you do"...wow. I am grateful for friends that speak truth into my life.

Thirdly,
I'm realizing ramifications of spiritual warfare in a broader context, both in the world and in members of my family. Things that I used to think of as separated from the "spiritual realm," I am now realizing are connected...everything is. If God is sovereign over the world, at work in it, and has made us in His image, then surely he knows, understands, and is deeply involved with every human condition we find ourselves in....laziness, busyness, materialism, inadequacy, lack of confidence, feelings of insignificance, apathy, our responsibility to discipline and correct, and so many more. All of those things I have just mentioned I have seen firsthand this Christmas break from people around me and some in myself, so I wanted to bring those at the forefront. There are undoubtedly spiritual forces within all of these "conditions," for lack of a better word...and we are called to fight against them. They don't go away if we are not aware of them and actively praying against their presence in our lives.

Ephesians 6:12: "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

~~~~~

Be in prayer for my team now, and as we travel and are in Ethiopia....the power of prayer is real and true and will be a weapon against the spiritual forces of evil that are going to try to penetrate our minds and hearts.

Thanks,
Julie

i cannot not write

for awhile now i've been itching to write but just...can't.
i've been feeling devoid of emotion for a really long time. i've been stale, complacent, and bitter. i've felt devoid of direction, purpose, and meaning. separated from God, from my heart, from who I am. i've been wrestling with both change and lack of change. i wondered why i felt so much like i was just....floating....especially when i was back on campus...my home away from home. this place that has transformed me. this place where i normally feel so much more, and feel a greater connection to my spirit...
i began praying for God to shake things up in my life, not having any idea what that would look like. i prayed, while in the back of my mind thinking of practical ways God could "shake things up," allowing me to feel again. i was at such a state of complacency, i was almost hoping and preparing myself for anything...anything at all...even if it was negative. i just wanted to be broken and i didn't know how to be.

~~~

then spiritual renewal week came upon Taylor's campus....

and God shook things up.

a greater peace and love and joy and freedom and reverence for God filled many people on this campus, including me. once confession began to happen, walls were broken down, masks were taken off, and there was vulnerability like i have never seen vulnerability. and it was beautiful.

for the first time in a long while, i was able to feel this connection to my soul, to the Holy Spirit within me, that was missing for so long. it's something that is truly unexplainable and sounds foolish to the world, i know, but it was real. i began to see everything more clearly. i was convicted in so many areas of my life and God pushed me not only to a public confession, but stirred in my heart desires i didn't realize i had. He simultaneously convicted me of relationships i need to repair and/or build up, and things i needed to quit in order to devote more time to things that truly mattered. and let me tell you, a lot of what God was speaking to me wasn't comfortable or something i necessarily wanted to follow through with. but He often takes us out of our comfort zone, and His call is for us to be radical. We are to live fearlessly, foolishly for Him, and with so much love for our brothers and sisters--even those that have wronged us or that we don't like or that are just hard to connect to--that it seems ridiculous to us.

He exposed me and broke me down so that i'd begin to change how i live, how i viewed His power, His grace, His might, His mercy, His forgiveness, His love, His undeniable sovereignty over everything. He humbled me as i realized how LITTLE faith i had that He would do anything at all, and yet He answered my prayers in a way that i would not have been able to fathom. in a way that is not even close to being simple, or practical, or reasonable. and definitely not negative.

Praise the Lord.

bahh how cool

i can't sleep. so i picked up my Bible. and turned to Psalms. and started reading chapter 33.
do you know what it says in verse 15??????

"He made their hearts, so he understands everything they do."

ok, for some reason this really caught my attention. it's one of those things that you've heard and you know but then it jumps out at you when you actually read the words on the page and you're like whoaaaaaa. the Creator of the universe made my heart and knows my heart and understands why i think the way i think and i do the things i do and i say the things i say. because he MADE ME THAT WAY. and he understands my sin and how sometimes it overcomes me and sometimes i am entangled by it and sometimes i feel suffocated by it. he UNDERSTANDS. it puts God at this level of not just high up in the air above us all holy and mighty and majestic and blameless and perfect and sovereign, but also WITH US. his spirit is IN US. his son walked AMONG US.

He knows us.

When no one else on the planet can really truly understand what's going on in our hearts and minds, HE DOES.

so cool.

Twenty

I am 20 years old today.
So long teenage years; I am glad you are over.
But I thank you for shaping me into the woman I have become.

Therefore, an "ode" to my teens:

Here's to high school, marching band, and spirit week.
To dances, first kisses, and hugging in hallways.
Three cheers for scooping ice cream, watching gilmore girls, and talking to crushes on AIM.
Here's to truth or dare, movie nights, and shopping at the mall.
To clarinet lessons, youth group, and campus life.
To listening to punk rock, sleepovers, and eating too much cookie dough.
Here's to dance parties, conversations about God, and praying with the wonderful women of my wing.
To allowing my heart to open. To mistakes. To wrestling with God. To wanting to throw in the towel and give up. To healing. To growth.
To God never giving up on ME.
It's been a great ride thus far.

Bring on my twenties!

a "Julie" version of something you've probably heard thousands of times

"Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying? Let me lift up your face.
Just don't turn away.
Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?...."
-Tenth Avenue North

The beautiful and wonderful and so dearly missed Taylor Grimes introduced me to that song this past spring and since then I keep hearing it on the radio...

I seem to get somewhat desensitized to songs after a couple plays, but this song...this song has the ability to speak to me every time. The lead singer of Tenth Avenue North, Mike Donehey, speaks in the voice of God (ok, not God's actual voice...but as if the lead singer is God speaking to us--all of humanity). I feel like this approach is so much more direct and powerful if the artist's goal is to get people to wake up a bit and really radically change their thinking, or question their lifestyle. I think it's great when Christian artists write about their struggles and how their faith is carrying them through and write their songs from a personal standpoint...

But songs that speak from the perspective of God talking to us directly kinda make me crawl and squirm and revisit a state of humility and deep thought and conviction.

And this song more than I think any Christian song has in the past, really tugs at my heart every time. Because I am so guilty of what Mike sings/writes...

Why do I continue to strive to be someone I'm not? Or maybe not so much that, but strive to a better version of me? Why does jealousy and perfectionism and images of "flawless" women on TV and in movies seem to seep heavily into my thoughts? Why do I strive to have my life put together and plans figured out? Why do I have these visions of my Junior year in my head--some that even cause me to stress--when God will take care of it all if I surrender control to Him?

The lyrics "Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?" hit me the hardest. Such good questions, loosely paraphrased and extracted from verses in the Bible, though one of the primary messages that is found in the Bible:

He is enough. God is enough. "I am enough."

Why do I search? Why do I daydream so frequently about earthly posessions and build up a stupid romances in my head and dwell on these THINGS that don't ever completely satisfy??

What I want to remind myself and remind you is...we need to be in God's word. We need to be in prayer. We need to search and seek and try to grasp ahold of His awesome majesty. Why do we search for earthly things, even earthly friendships and relationships, to fill us up when they will never satisfy the deeper longings of our heart? And we are fools if we think they are all we need in this life.

I feel like once again my post is rather devoid of profoundness and originality because a "message" such as this is most likely preached by thousands of pastors across the world every Sunday....but I hope maybe the "Julie" in this post made it worthwhile to read....and at the very least I got something out of it by writing it ; )

Happy early early early Tuesday morning. Yikes. I must go to bed now.

What is My Purpose?

You're probably thinking: "Dang, you're going to be contemplating your life purpose for your first post? This woman just dives right in."

Haha. Or maybe you're not thinking that. Regardless, this is not a post questioning my purpose in life, but rather questioning my purpose in creating this blog.

I have just spent far too much time today reading friends' blogs and found myself thoroughly refreshed by my peers' thoughts, stories, feelings, questions, and quotes from literature. I felt I got a better glimpse of who they really are and felt this kind of interconnectivity to the Taylor community as I found myself saying "so true," and "yep, I've totally felt that way," and "wow, that's really been on my mind and on my heart as well." I think sometimes I focus too much on differences between people and I judge and scrutinize and try to pick them apart from occasional meetings, conversations, sightings on campus...I forget the longings of our hearts are pretty darn similar. Our stories are not too different. We've all been hurt, abused, and mistreated. We're all just trying to figure out this crazy, messed up life and we're trying to see into our future through blinded eyes.

So I suppose the purpose of this blog is to join in on sharing my own ponderings and happenings and passions. It's partly for me and partly for you. Writing has this ability to free me, as I tend to have trouble verbalizing what all is on my mind and in my heart, or just choose not to.

So there you have it. An introduction not all that profound to a series of blog posts that probably will be equally unprofound, but hopefully at least fun and interesting and easily relatable.

Noteworthy things:

1. I will be 20 a week from today
2. I got a new phone yesterday
3. I get my top wisdom teeth out tomorrow
4. I'm pretty proud of my blog title...I came up with that after sitting on my couch for like 15 minutes, brainstorming various titles in my head like it was the most important thing in the world. I think that title really fits though...I am daily cleansed by God's grace but I am not living gracefully. I so often stumble and fall and am blinded and careless...praise God for his faithfulness.