I just fell in love with this poem I discovered...
A Walk
My eyes already touch the sunny hill.
going far ahead of the road I have begun.
So we are grasped by what we cannot grasp;
it has inner light, even from a distance-
and changes us, even if we do not reach it,
into something else, which, hardly sensing it,
we already are; a gesture waves us on
answering our own wave...
but what we feel is the wind in our faces. (Another translation I found says "But what we sense is the falling winds")
Translated by Robert Bly
Rainer Maria Rilke
This poem is a beautiful metaphor for the way I seem to view life... "So we are grasped by what we cannot grasp"...I am grasped by all these dreams of what I hope to experience in the future (in my mind), yet I cannot grasp them (tangibly) yet. There is an inner light within these dreams and visions, even though I know they are a ways away, and they make me press on and keep living with excitement and hope and promise, even if not all of my dreams come to fruition. Yet, as I press on in life, the light ahead leads me to change; my dreams may change and my life may take unexpected twists and turns, but through this I will become a more complete picture of who I am... But I should never stop or freak out because this was not my original plan...this was not who I thought I was...no...I'll call out to God and he'll answer with a, "Keep moving, Julie. This is who I'm molding you into." Yet in my humanity, I will undoubtedly sense feelings of failure that I didn't achieve this or that, or go there, or whatever I had originally envisioned my life to look like.
What an accurate portral of the human predicament. I wonder how old Rilke was when he wrote this and what made him write this. I feel like he and I were kindred spirits...
Friday, January 28, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Let's See What's Behind Door Number Two
I picked up A.W. Tozer's "The Pursuit of God" again tonight. It's been a few years since I've read it and I found it while I was looking for another book on a shelf in the basement of my home. It was a book I remember really loving and one in which I was able to be encouraged and moved to a greater spiritual depth.
Right now, I really don't have any complaints in my life. I have one more semester at Taylor that I'm about to begin, and while I am beginning to get a little anxious about the future, I know God will provide and lead and bless me. He's always been faithful, so why worry? (Glad I can say that with much more confidence than I could have in past years). Yet, I haven't PURSUED God in awhile. I've been pretty happy-go-lucky and feeling in control and steady.
I have 2 doors I could walk through:
Door 1: Continue living life how I am, trusting God, not moving the waters any...not shaking the boat. Smooth sailing...keeping it safe, keeping it cool. Doing the sensible things that people around me will understand. I think I'll be content with what's behind door 1. It's safe, and while I crave adventure, I am somewhat fearful of making stupid, rash decisions, of leaving where I'm comfortable and familiar. And what in the world does it mean to hear God's calling? I don't hear anything. So I think I'll just stay in my content little world I've created until I hear a voice or feel the ground shake beneath me.
Door 2: Actively choose to dig deeper into my soul, into the character of God, to pray for God to shake the boat, ask God to take me out of my comfort zone...away from any selfish desires or dreams...away from what Julie wants. That's scary. I don't like that option. I want to want that option. But that takes guts and discipline and solitude and intentionality. It means other people asking "Wait...why are you going there? Why are you doing that?" It means ME being strong enough to withstand others' criticisms/questions/opinions, and believe firmly enough in the Spirit's prompting and follow that solely. And ultimately, it means me LEARNING how to discern the Spirit's prompting and really trust in it. To strip down my own thoughts, emotions, goals, theology, desires, etc, to the point where I know whole-heartedly that whatever I set forth to do comes from the Lord and not from me.
Behind both doors lie good things. Whatever path I choose, God will guide my steps. He will always be faithful and He keeps His promises. But if I go through door 2, that door that sticks and is hard to push open, I know I'll find a greater prize awaiting me.
So I'll push. I'll pray, seek, listen, meditate, cultivate the life of the Spirit, and obey.
~~~~~~~
Excerpts from Tozer's book that struck a chord with me:
"We have been snared in the coils of a spurious logic which insists that if we have found Him we need no more seek Him...The experiential heart-theology of a grand army of fragrant saints is rejected in favor of a smug interpretation of Scripture which would certianly have sounded strange to an Augustine, a Rutherford or a Brainerd.
In the midst of this great chill there are some, I rejoice to acknowledge, who will not be content with shallow logic. They will admit the force of the argument, and then turn away with tears to hunt some lonely place and pray 'O God, show me thy glory.' They want to taste, to touch with their hearts, to see with their inner eyes the wonder that is God.
...The stiff and wooden quality about our religious lives is a result of our lack of holy desire. Complacency is a deadly foe of all spiritual growth. Acute desire must be present or there will be no manifestation of Christ to His people. He waits to be wanted. Too bad that with many of us He waits so long, so very long, in vain.
...he recommends that in prayer we practice a further stripping down of everything, even of our theology.
...We need not fear that in seeking God only we may narrow our lives or restrict the motions of our expanding hearts. The opposite is true.
...there is little that we need other than God Himself...in Him we shall find that for which we have all our lives been secretly longing."
~~~~~~~
Amen, Tozer. Amen.
Right now, I really don't have any complaints in my life. I have one more semester at Taylor that I'm about to begin, and while I am beginning to get a little anxious about the future, I know God will provide and lead and bless me. He's always been faithful, so why worry? (Glad I can say that with much more confidence than I could have in past years). Yet, I haven't PURSUED God in awhile. I've been pretty happy-go-lucky and feeling in control and steady.
I have 2 doors I could walk through:
Door 1: Continue living life how I am, trusting God, not moving the waters any...not shaking the boat. Smooth sailing...keeping it safe, keeping it cool. Doing the sensible things that people around me will understand. I think I'll be content with what's behind door 1. It's safe, and while I crave adventure, I am somewhat fearful of making stupid, rash decisions, of leaving where I'm comfortable and familiar. And what in the world does it mean to hear God's calling? I don't hear anything. So I think I'll just stay in my content little world I've created until I hear a voice or feel the ground shake beneath me.
Door 2: Actively choose to dig deeper into my soul, into the character of God, to pray for God to shake the boat, ask God to take me out of my comfort zone...away from any selfish desires or dreams...away from what Julie wants. That's scary. I don't like that option. I want to want that option. But that takes guts and discipline and solitude and intentionality. It means other people asking "Wait...why are you going there? Why are you doing that?" It means ME being strong enough to withstand others' criticisms/questions/opinions, and believe firmly enough in the Spirit's prompting and follow that solely. And ultimately, it means me LEARNING how to discern the Spirit's prompting and really trust in it. To strip down my own thoughts, emotions, goals, theology, desires, etc, to the point where I know whole-heartedly that whatever I set forth to do comes from the Lord and not from me.
Behind both doors lie good things. Whatever path I choose, God will guide my steps. He will always be faithful and He keeps His promises. But if I go through door 2, that door that sticks and is hard to push open, I know I'll find a greater prize awaiting me.
So I'll push. I'll pray, seek, listen, meditate, cultivate the life of the Spirit, and obey.
~~~~~~~
Excerpts from Tozer's book that struck a chord with me:
"We have been snared in the coils of a spurious logic which insists that if we have found Him we need no more seek Him...The experiential heart-theology of a grand army of fragrant saints is rejected in favor of a smug interpretation of Scripture which would certianly have sounded strange to an Augustine, a Rutherford or a Brainerd.
In the midst of this great chill there are some, I rejoice to acknowledge, who will not be content with shallow logic. They will admit the force of the argument, and then turn away with tears to hunt some lonely place and pray 'O God, show me thy glory.' They want to taste, to touch with their hearts, to see with their inner eyes the wonder that is God.
...The stiff and wooden quality about our religious lives is a result of our lack of holy desire. Complacency is a deadly foe of all spiritual growth. Acute desire must be present or there will be no manifestation of Christ to His people. He waits to be wanted. Too bad that with many of us He waits so long, so very long, in vain.
...he recommends that in prayer we practice a further stripping down of everything, even of our theology.
...We need not fear that in seeking God only we may narrow our lives or restrict the motions of our expanding hearts. The opposite is true.
...there is little that we need other than God Himself...in Him we shall find that for which we have all our lives been secretly longing."
~~~~~~~
Amen, Tozer. Amen.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
When Sorrow and Joy Collide
It's been awhile.
Several books/movies/facebook notes (Sarah Albinson!)/my own life and experiences have got me thinking...
Life is more meaningful through trials--whether that be pain, sacrifice, risk, danger, illness...anything that you have to OVERCOME. Anything that we have to fight for, or fight through. Think about it. Evidence of this is everywhere. Guys want to be able to fight, in some way, for a girl. The joy of life is found to a greater degree when battling a life-threatening illness. My own gratefulness for my life and realization that God is truly my protector resulted from my recent car accident. And I have found that in my darkest times, through heartbreak and grief and pain and feeling overwhelmed, that I am able to worship God at a whole new level. My tears of anguish mix with tears of praise and hope and this immense joy that can only come from the Spirit. And for me, when I feel emotion, I often find meaning. I find a connection to my soul, that has the imprint of my Creator. He knows me intimately and can see and hear every tear I cry and every smile and laugh and pitter patter of my heart. How could someone, something, create me to do those things, to feel those things? And then for us to have the capacity to have those emotions intertwine just amazes me. We can experience sadness mixed with joy, pain and hurt with hope, anger with love...isn't it beautiful? Doesn't the sadness make the joy seem to overflow? Don't hurt and pain make hope brighter? Don't feelings of anger make the power of love stronger?
I think that's why Jesus's life, His story, is so meaningful...so beautiful. He had to overcome trials throughout his life, and then the ultimate trial--His sacrifice. And through this, he gave meaning to our lives! We sing about His death on the cross in both sorrow and joy. It is a mix of emotions that makes our heart stir and yearn and cry out. He DIED for our sake. For humanity in its entirety! And now we have freedom and joy and hope and peace in knowing that the Lord is with us and we do not have to fear for Jesus has OVERCOME the world. Whoa, what do you know, there's that word again. : )
This is all so counter-cultural.
Our society has a tendency to run away from any sort of calamity. We take pain killers; we run to the doctor to give us a quick fix for whatever is ailing us; we think we are messed up if it takes us longer than a couple weeks or months to get over an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend so we run to a therapist to see what's wrong with us and if they can give us some magic words that will heal us; guys sleep with the girls that are easy and then leave and the girls are left wondering what's wrong with them; we run to stores to buy things to cure our depression or feeling of emptiness...I could go on!
What if we embraced the fact that we are NOT abnormal for feeling these so-called "bad" feelings? What if they really aren't "bad" feelings at all? "Good" and "bad" are relative terms... What I think is, all these emotions that we have are emotions that God Himself has, and they are good. They are necessary. We must face these emotions that we deem negative and wrestle with them, pray through them, surround ourselves with friends and family that will speak truth and love into our lives. And we must seek out love, faith, hope, peace, joy, kindness, goodness...(I have almost completed the fruits of the Spirit so I might as well finish right? :) ) faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, patience...THROUGH these emotions that leave us down-trodden. There, we can find real healing. We can begin to find meaning to this crazy existence. We can be more like Christ, and therefore have a better understanding of His life and the meaning of His story in our own stories that we are creating.
So, what if we were more courageous?
We didn't run away from trouble?
We didn't hide?
We didn't take the easy way out?
We didn't make light of our hurting?
We allowed our heart to truly open up to the great Healer?
We allowed our heart to truly open up to the people around us?
What if....
Several books/movies/facebook notes (Sarah Albinson!)/my own life and experiences have got me thinking...
Life is more meaningful through trials--whether that be pain, sacrifice, risk, danger, illness...anything that you have to OVERCOME. Anything that we have to fight for, or fight through. Think about it. Evidence of this is everywhere. Guys want to be able to fight, in some way, for a girl. The joy of life is found to a greater degree when battling a life-threatening illness. My own gratefulness for my life and realization that God is truly my protector resulted from my recent car accident. And I have found that in my darkest times, through heartbreak and grief and pain and feeling overwhelmed, that I am able to worship God at a whole new level. My tears of anguish mix with tears of praise and hope and this immense joy that can only come from the Spirit. And for me, when I feel emotion, I often find meaning. I find a connection to my soul, that has the imprint of my Creator. He knows me intimately and can see and hear every tear I cry and every smile and laugh and pitter patter of my heart. How could someone, something, create me to do those things, to feel those things? And then for us to have the capacity to have those emotions intertwine just amazes me. We can experience sadness mixed with joy, pain and hurt with hope, anger with love...isn't it beautiful? Doesn't the sadness make the joy seem to overflow? Don't hurt and pain make hope brighter? Don't feelings of anger make the power of love stronger?
I think that's why Jesus's life, His story, is so meaningful...so beautiful. He had to overcome trials throughout his life, and then the ultimate trial--His sacrifice. And through this, he gave meaning to our lives! We sing about His death on the cross in both sorrow and joy. It is a mix of emotions that makes our heart stir and yearn and cry out. He DIED for our sake. For humanity in its entirety! And now we have freedom and joy and hope and peace in knowing that the Lord is with us and we do not have to fear for Jesus has OVERCOME the world. Whoa, what do you know, there's that word again. : )
This is all so counter-cultural.
Our society has a tendency to run away from any sort of calamity. We take pain killers; we run to the doctor to give us a quick fix for whatever is ailing us; we think we are messed up if it takes us longer than a couple weeks or months to get over an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend so we run to a therapist to see what's wrong with us and if they can give us some magic words that will heal us; guys sleep with the girls that are easy and then leave and the girls are left wondering what's wrong with them; we run to stores to buy things to cure our depression or feeling of emptiness...I could go on!
What if we embraced the fact that we are NOT abnormal for feeling these so-called "bad" feelings? What if they really aren't "bad" feelings at all? "Good" and "bad" are relative terms... What I think is, all these emotions that we have are emotions that God Himself has, and they are good. They are necessary. We must face these emotions that we deem negative and wrestle with them, pray through them, surround ourselves with friends and family that will speak truth and love into our lives. And we must seek out love, faith, hope, peace, joy, kindness, goodness...(I have almost completed the fruits of the Spirit so I might as well finish right? :) ) faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, patience...THROUGH these emotions that leave us down-trodden. There, we can find real healing. We can begin to find meaning to this crazy existence. We can be more like Christ, and therefore have a better understanding of His life and the meaning of His story in our own stories that we are creating.
So, what if we were more courageous?
We didn't run away from trouble?
We didn't hide?
We didn't take the easy way out?
We didn't make light of our hurting?
We allowed our heart to truly open up to the great Healer?
We allowed our heart to truly open up to the people around us?
What if....
Monday, October 4, 2010
"To be mature is to be basic. Christ! No more, no less."
I love the writing of "The Message"....this is Colossians 1:15-29....I have nothing more to say. Just read and be encouraged/blessed/changed/convicted by Paul's words...
Christ Holds It All Together
15-18 We look at this Son and see the God who cannot be seen. We look at this Son and see God's original purpose in everything created. For everything, absolutely everything, above and below, visible and invisible, rank after rank after rank of angels—everything got started in him and finds its purpose in him. He was there before any of it came into existence and holds it all together right up to this moment. And when it comes to the church, he organizes and holds it together, like a head does a body.
18-20 He was supreme in the beginning and—leading the resurrection parade—he is supreme in the end. From beginning to end he's there, towering far above everything, everyone. So spacious is he, so roomy, that everything of God finds its proper place in him without crowding. Not only that, but all the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe—people and things, animals and atoms—get properly fixed and fit together in vibrant harmonies, all because of his death, his blood that poured down from the cross.
21-23 You yourselves are a case study of what he does. At one time you all had your backs turned to God, thinking rebellious thoughts of him, giving him trouble every chance you got. But now, by giving himself completely at the Cross, actually dying for you, Christ brought you over to God's side and put your lives together, whole and holy in his presence. You don't walk away from a gift like that! You stay grounded and steady in that bond of trust, constantly tuned in to the Message, careful not to be distracted or diverted. There is no other Message—just this one. Every creature under heaven gets this same Message. I, Paul, am a messenger of this Message.
24-25 I want you to know how glad I am that it's me sitting here in this jail and not you. There's a lot of suffering to be entered into in this world—the kind of suffering Christ takes on. I welcome the chance to take my share in the church's part of that suffering. When I became a servant in this church, I experienced this suffering as a sheer gift, God's way of helping me serve you, laying out the whole truth.
26-29 This mystery has been kept in the dark for a long time, but now it's out in the open. God wanted everyone, not just Jews, to know this rich and glorious secret inside and out, regardless of their background, regardless of their religious standing. The mystery in a nutshell is just this: Christ is in you, so therefore you can look forward to sharing in God's glory. It's that simple. That is the substance of our Message. We preach Christ, warning people not to add to the Message. We teach in a spirit of profound common sense so that we can bring each person to maturity. To be mature is to be basic. Christ! No more, no less. That's what I'm working so hard at day after day, year after year, doing my best with the energy God so generously gives me.
Christ Holds It All Together
15-18 We look at this Son and see the God who cannot be seen. We look at this Son and see God's original purpose in everything created. For everything, absolutely everything, above and below, visible and invisible, rank after rank after rank of angels—everything got started in him and finds its purpose in him. He was there before any of it came into existence and holds it all together right up to this moment. And when it comes to the church, he organizes and holds it together, like a head does a body.
18-20 He was supreme in the beginning and—leading the resurrection parade—he is supreme in the end. From beginning to end he's there, towering far above everything, everyone. So spacious is he, so roomy, that everything of God finds its proper place in him without crowding. Not only that, but all the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe—people and things, animals and atoms—get properly fixed and fit together in vibrant harmonies, all because of his death, his blood that poured down from the cross.
21-23 You yourselves are a case study of what he does. At one time you all had your backs turned to God, thinking rebellious thoughts of him, giving him trouble every chance you got. But now, by giving himself completely at the Cross, actually dying for you, Christ brought you over to God's side and put your lives together, whole and holy in his presence. You don't walk away from a gift like that! You stay grounded and steady in that bond of trust, constantly tuned in to the Message, careful not to be distracted or diverted. There is no other Message—just this one. Every creature under heaven gets this same Message. I, Paul, am a messenger of this Message.
24-25 I want you to know how glad I am that it's me sitting here in this jail and not you. There's a lot of suffering to be entered into in this world—the kind of suffering Christ takes on. I welcome the chance to take my share in the church's part of that suffering. When I became a servant in this church, I experienced this suffering as a sheer gift, God's way of helping me serve you, laying out the whole truth.
26-29 This mystery has been kept in the dark for a long time, but now it's out in the open. God wanted everyone, not just Jews, to know this rich and glorious secret inside and out, regardless of their background, regardless of their religious standing. The mystery in a nutshell is just this: Christ is in you, so therefore you can look forward to sharing in God's glory. It's that simple. That is the substance of our Message. We preach Christ, warning people not to add to the Message. We teach in a spirit of profound common sense so that we can bring each person to maturity. To be mature is to be basic. Christ! No more, no less. That's what I'm working so hard at day after day, year after year, doing my best with the energy God so generously gives me.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
...with roots that reach deep into the water...
To those of you that have asked about my student teaching, I usually don't sugarcoat it.
It's rough. I can't describe to you what I have to deal with and manage every day. I can't explain the stress and pressures and the discipline I have to constantly enforce. I asked for the challenge of IPS and often I wonder why I did. I come back to questions like, "What made me want to teach an inner city school in the first place? Where is God in this? Where is the light in this place and in this screwed up system? Is the strain of the day really worth the little I end up teaching that day? Do these kids see my love for them underneath the discipline? AM I even loving them like Christ would when I feel I get so frustrated with them?"
And then I've had a lot of talks with my roommate Sarah about life and the profession we chose...We ask and attempt to answer questions like "Why are we even teaching these subjects when there doesn't seem to be any lasting value? What are we doing with our lives? How is this a ministry when we feel we can't even talk with our students about life and love and faith and the things that matter in this life? Instead she talks about music and she directs the band, and I'm teaching the short "o" sound in words like "mom," and "rock," and showing them how to write simple addition equations. Looking at the big picture, it seems kind of pointless. I struggle with feeling like I need to be doing something more or something else. Something that will draw people into the love of Christ I've found. Something that I can tangibly see results from...
But then I remember, I can. You can do that in any profession you choose. I can and I have shown Christ's love, despite or even through the way I treat discipline problems, the way I've chosen to eat lunch with students in order to get to know them better, the way I praise and show excitement and joy when they get an answer right or demonstrate good behavior. I hope and pray they see the light within me and are impacted by that light. And I can and I have seen tangible results. Maybe not a life dedicated to following Christ or even a "thank you" for any efforts I put forth, but I see my students learning and understanding new things every day and I see them beginning to read and understand how words form and I take for granted how cool of a process that is. And that I am necessary in that process! Even though I can't see the big picture of their lives, every stepping stone to get where they're going is essential...and I have a chance of putting those stepping stones in place.
So, I can do that anywhere...so...why IPS? Do I feel God leading me to an inner city school or was I trying to prove something to myself or to others? That I could handle the challenge?
I don't know...but I do know that I cried on my way home from Open House night because 5 parents showed up to the classroom and I heard stories and imagined the homes of others and mourned for the state of the county, the city, the world...I've heard two kids say the phrase "once my mom gets her food stamps..." and I have no doubt the majority of the class is living in poverty.
So, why teach in the inner city? Because these kids don't have parents who are also "teachers" like my parents were and a lot of suburban parents are. I don't think I want to teach in a place that has highly invovled parents, because I feel my role would not be as significant.
But then I question, could I do this day in and day out for years and years while still feeling healthy and sane...and then maybe add a family to that equation later on? I don't know, in all honesty. I wish I could. Maybe I could. But could or would God call me to a school like this and how would I know if he did?
Is the test of knowing God's calling simply that we are enjoying what we're doing and where we're living and feeling content, or does the test of knowing His calling mean living uncomfortably and maybe even a little miserably, yet going and doing and serving in a place a lot of people don't really want to be? Does anybody even really want to be where they're at or are we always going to long for somewhere else or something else? Am I being too idealistic, or are we supposed to find that place, that profession, that person, that church body that just feels "right"? That feels like the perfect fit? Or do we have to wait until God restores the earth back to the way it was before the Fall to really truly feel "right" with ourselves and our surroundings? I guess maybe if we strive to live out God's kingdom on the earth we can come close, but until everything is restored again (which I cling to the promise of in Revelation), life is gonna suck. It's going to be toil and strain and heartache and disaster and sickness and hopelessness, and questioning without any real answers just like I'm doing now...
But there's hope. There's so much hope if we cling to God's promises. If we just trust. I feel like I've been really busy with school and hanging out with friends in Indy and I just keep moving and moving and haven't taken much time to stop and pray or read or get in touch with myself and with God. I feel like I have to relearn that actually. I have to continually relearn that practice because I have been so inconsistent in it. But I love how in the places I've felt the most connected to God, I've journaled, and through those old journal entries, I rediscover myself and am reminded what God was teaching me. This is from Jeremiah 17:5-10. I had written it down in this journal entry from the end of March and it was an encouragement to me today : )
"But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit."
I want to be one of those trees...
It's rough. I can't describe to you what I have to deal with and manage every day. I can't explain the stress and pressures and the discipline I have to constantly enforce. I asked for the challenge of IPS and often I wonder why I did. I come back to questions like, "What made me want to teach an inner city school in the first place? Where is God in this? Where is the light in this place and in this screwed up system? Is the strain of the day really worth the little I end up teaching that day? Do these kids see my love for them underneath the discipline? AM I even loving them like Christ would when I feel I get so frustrated with them?"
And then I've had a lot of talks with my roommate Sarah about life and the profession we chose...We ask and attempt to answer questions like "Why are we even teaching these subjects when there doesn't seem to be any lasting value? What are we doing with our lives? How is this a ministry when we feel we can't even talk with our students about life and love and faith and the things that matter in this life? Instead she talks about music and she directs the band, and I'm teaching the short "o" sound in words like "mom," and "rock," and showing them how to write simple addition equations. Looking at the big picture, it seems kind of pointless. I struggle with feeling like I need to be doing something more or something else. Something that will draw people into the love of Christ I've found. Something that I can tangibly see results from...
But then I remember, I can. You can do that in any profession you choose. I can and I have shown Christ's love, despite or even through the way I treat discipline problems, the way I've chosen to eat lunch with students in order to get to know them better, the way I praise and show excitement and joy when they get an answer right or demonstrate good behavior. I hope and pray they see the light within me and are impacted by that light. And I can and I have seen tangible results. Maybe not a life dedicated to following Christ or even a "thank you" for any efforts I put forth, but I see my students learning and understanding new things every day and I see them beginning to read and understand how words form and I take for granted how cool of a process that is. And that I am necessary in that process! Even though I can't see the big picture of their lives, every stepping stone to get where they're going is essential...and I have a chance of putting those stepping stones in place.
So, I can do that anywhere...so...why IPS? Do I feel God leading me to an inner city school or was I trying to prove something to myself or to others? That I could handle the challenge?
I don't know...but I do know that I cried on my way home from Open House night because 5 parents showed up to the classroom and I heard stories and imagined the homes of others and mourned for the state of the county, the city, the world...I've heard two kids say the phrase "once my mom gets her food stamps..." and I have no doubt the majority of the class is living in poverty.
So, why teach in the inner city? Because these kids don't have parents who are also "teachers" like my parents were and a lot of suburban parents are. I don't think I want to teach in a place that has highly invovled parents, because I feel my role would not be as significant.
But then I question, could I do this day in and day out for years and years while still feeling healthy and sane...and then maybe add a family to that equation later on? I don't know, in all honesty. I wish I could. Maybe I could. But could or would God call me to a school like this and how would I know if he did?
Is the test of knowing God's calling simply that we are enjoying what we're doing and where we're living and feeling content, or does the test of knowing His calling mean living uncomfortably and maybe even a little miserably, yet going and doing and serving in a place a lot of people don't really want to be? Does anybody even really want to be where they're at or are we always going to long for somewhere else or something else? Am I being too idealistic, or are we supposed to find that place, that profession, that person, that church body that just feels "right"? That feels like the perfect fit? Or do we have to wait until God restores the earth back to the way it was before the Fall to really truly feel "right" with ourselves and our surroundings? I guess maybe if we strive to live out God's kingdom on the earth we can come close, but until everything is restored again (which I cling to the promise of in Revelation), life is gonna suck. It's going to be toil and strain and heartache and disaster and sickness and hopelessness, and questioning without any real answers just like I'm doing now...
But there's hope. There's so much hope if we cling to God's promises. If we just trust. I feel like I've been really busy with school and hanging out with friends in Indy and I just keep moving and moving and haven't taken much time to stop and pray or read or get in touch with myself and with God. I feel like I have to relearn that actually. I have to continually relearn that practice because I have been so inconsistent in it. But I love how in the places I've felt the most connected to God, I've journaled, and through those old journal entries, I rediscover myself and am reminded what God was teaching me. This is from Jeremiah 17:5-10. I had written it down in this journal entry from the end of March and it was an encouragement to me today : )
"But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit."
I want to be one of those trees...
Monday, July 12, 2010
The Dichotomy of Christianity
I am frustrated. I am frustrated with two sides of the church and of “Christianity” being lived out today.
Firstly, I am frustrated with the way in which many Christians try so hard to completely separate themselves from culture, catering to other Christians and condemning everything labeled or called “secular.” We should instead come to the realization that we are a part of culture—not some separate entity. Culture influences us and we have the ability to influence culture. I am frustrated with many aspects of the church and of Christianity that I’m just now seeing as I’m gaining a new perspective on the things I’ve grown up with. I’m realizing aspects of “Christian culture” that have little to do with Jesus and his teachings and more to do with a man-made idea of how Christians should live and act. And it’s caused me to feel weirdly separated and distant from friends who did not attend weekend youth group retreats that left me with “spiritual highs” (wasn’t it mostly an emotional high?), who didn’t listen to the Newsboys and Relient K, who didn’t read books by Donald Miller, who watched R-rated movies, etc. I have felt this discomfort for much of my life, yet I haven’t questioned it. I have felt like I must live a certain way because it was the good Christian thing to do and I was setting an example, being a light, yet I kind of hated it. I hated it because I didn’t quite understand why I was living the way I was living for some time. I hated it because I think I was afraid to dig deeper, to converse with friends, to tell people what was important to me and what I was experiencing on the inside, and to question the lifestyle in which I was living. I hated feeling separate from the world, even though it was drilled into me that I needed to be. I often compromised and I was hypocritical because I felt I was in a tug of war match between Christianity and the world and I didn’t see how they intersected.
Now, much more mature in my faith and understanding, with more wisdom which I attribute to the Holy Spirit working in me, I realize this life has little to do with following doctrines and it has everything to do with following Jesus. I feel I am not living a certain way because of a list of “do’s” and “don’ts” that stem from any sort of creation of man or the church, but I live a certain way because God has called me to it. Because through a crazy miracle that I don’t understand, God has given me a spirit that guides me into light and truth and life, convicts me of sin and things not of God, and steers me on the path I am supposed to walk on. I choose to live my life the way I do because my purpose is to do everything for his glory. Because I have read stories from Jesus’ life on Earth where he engages with the culture around him and chooses to love the unloved and calls us to have the faith of a child. THAT is where my heart lies. And if that is what Jesus is about, then sign me up. I do not want to be associated with a church that condemns homosexuals; that says you can only listen to Christian music and read Christian books; that says you shouldn’t question your faith; that keeps building bigger buildings and making dumb Christian bumper stickers; that holds to a certain political standpoint. I want to be associated with a church that loves and welcomes homosexuals into its doors; that recognizes the beauty and truth that come from artists and singers and writers and poets that don’t proclaim to be Christian or become part of a Christian industry; that says let’s have a class to explore other religions; that accepts those who doubt or have questions; that meets in an abandoned building because they want to give any money and resources they have to doing ministry; that says I don’t give a damn if you love or hate Obama and the direction this country is moving.
But I am also equally frustrated with people who call themselves Christians yet their lifestyle doesn’t bear good fruit, doesn’t show that they seek to live in a way that is glorifying to God. Yes, sin can still entangle us and we have forgiveness and grace if we mess up, but in Christ we are no longer a slave to sin. I didn’t swear or drink or party or have sex back in middle school and high school mainly because I was taught that it was bad for Christians to do and I was trying to maintain an image, a reputation as a Christian, not quite really knowing why, and always being a little curious and frustrated that I couldn’t experience things that the world offered me. Now, after some years of maturing in my understanding of what being a Christian means and exploring the why’s of this religion I’ve adopted, the things I choose to do and say do not stem from a legalistic religion I follow, but from who I am. I am a new creation in Christ. But I am human. I fail. I am not perfect. However, the way I live my life flows out of a desire to honor God, because in this, I find the most truth and freedom and beauty and love and peace. Jesus overcame the law. We have been redeemed. Some Christians and churches set in place remind me a lot of the Pharisees in the Bible, and I hate that. Yet, we shouldn’t dismiss all legalism just because we have been redeemed from it. For example, I had a pre-conceived notion that it was terrible to swear and that non-Christians swore and Christians don’t. Now, I see things a little differently and things aren’t so black and white. But I see why that was taught to me originally—because God’s word tells us to tame our tongue. That our tongue is the sharpest sword. That we can either bring life or death through our speech. That we can bring light or darkness to a person’s life. Now, nowhere does it say don’t use the word “shit.” That’s the Christian culture I’ve come from, not from the Bible. Paul even says in Philippians 3:8: “Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish (or the Greek word skubala, which best translated means “shit”), in order that I may gain Christ.” But by throwing the word around meaninglessly or by cursing God and others through my language, I am definitely not bringing about truth and life and goodness. And I believe it can make others stumble or corrupt my own thoughts. Words have power. Words are attached with the witness of a Christian life. Words flow out from what you inwardly think and feel and want to express and proclaim to the world.
Another example: God condemns drunkenness. Thus, the church at large (for the most part), condemns drunkenness. (Clarification--not people who are drunks, or who occasionally get drunk, but drunkenness.) This is not some rule that the church made up like you can only listen to Christian music. It is written in the Bible, many times, among passages of Jesus’ teachings and parables and miracles. It is something that was written for us for our own sake. God’s teachings are wise and bring life to us, rather than destruction and confusion. I think this passage (Galatians 5:16-21) most clearly states what I’m trying to get at:
“16But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. 18But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. 19Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, 20idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, 21envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.”
And this last part, frankly, upon first read, I hate. Taken out of the context of the entire Bible, it seems that those people who do these things will never inherit the kingdom of God. Yet, we know that God’s grace covers all sin if we choose to accept it, so why would this be in the Bible? It seems like there is no grace. But notice verse 18 says, “But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.” It’s this crazy, awesome, confusing paradox in a way. Jesus was not about legalism and we don’t need to live by all the laws that are stated in the old testament books because of Jesus’ death and resurrection, yet because the Spirit indwells in us and fills us, we are led inwardly to follow the law that Jesus proclaimed and to stay away from sin that can entangle us and lead us astray. We will not inherit the kingdom of God—which exists both here and in heaven—if we choose to engage in those sins rather than accept God’s generous gift to us—His Spirit, which leads us into life. I think a synonymous last sentence of verse 21 could be “I warn you, as I warned you before, if you don’t accept the life that my Spirit is able to give to you, you will be lead into misery and death. So accept this blessing!” That’s what I look at the Spirit and its leading into righteousness as—a magnificent blessing.
While I hate the separatism that happens between Christians and the culture we are surrounded by, I also hate when Christians go the other direction and succumb to the largely corrupted culture that we live in rather than try to create, as God did when he created the world, truth and beauty and purity and goodness, and to wear on our sleeve the fruits of the spirit. I think either we try to completely get away from culture, from the world, and then lose our ability to witness and minister and co-exist with people of different backgrounds and beliefs and personalities and socio-economic levels, or we completely get away from the Christian subculture and then slowly drift away from the teachings of Christianity and into the lifestyles and pressures of the world because we hate too much to be different or look different or think there's no way we can have an influence on culture.
This is the dichotomy of Christianity. This will no doubt frustrate me the rest of my life. But I’m so glad I have gained so much clarity this summer, and I am so glad I was able to write out a lot of what has been stirring within me.
Thanks for reading.
Firstly, I am frustrated with the way in which many Christians try so hard to completely separate themselves from culture, catering to other Christians and condemning everything labeled or called “secular.” We should instead come to the realization that we are a part of culture—not some separate entity. Culture influences us and we have the ability to influence culture. I am frustrated with many aspects of the church and of Christianity that I’m just now seeing as I’m gaining a new perspective on the things I’ve grown up with. I’m realizing aspects of “Christian culture” that have little to do with Jesus and his teachings and more to do with a man-made idea of how Christians should live and act. And it’s caused me to feel weirdly separated and distant from friends who did not attend weekend youth group retreats that left me with “spiritual highs” (wasn’t it mostly an emotional high?), who didn’t listen to the Newsboys and Relient K, who didn’t read books by Donald Miller, who watched R-rated movies, etc. I have felt this discomfort for much of my life, yet I haven’t questioned it. I have felt like I must live a certain way because it was the good Christian thing to do and I was setting an example, being a light, yet I kind of hated it. I hated it because I didn’t quite understand why I was living the way I was living for some time. I hated it because I think I was afraid to dig deeper, to converse with friends, to tell people what was important to me and what I was experiencing on the inside, and to question the lifestyle in which I was living. I hated feeling separate from the world, even though it was drilled into me that I needed to be. I often compromised and I was hypocritical because I felt I was in a tug of war match between Christianity and the world and I didn’t see how they intersected.
Now, much more mature in my faith and understanding, with more wisdom which I attribute to the Holy Spirit working in me, I realize this life has little to do with following doctrines and it has everything to do with following Jesus. I feel I am not living a certain way because of a list of “do’s” and “don’ts” that stem from any sort of creation of man or the church, but I live a certain way because God has called me to it. Because through a crazy miracle that I don’t understand, God has given me a spirit that guides me into light and truth and life, convicts me of sin and things not of God, and steers me on the path I am supposed to walk on. I choose to live my life the way I do because my purpose is to do everything for his glory. Because I have read stories from Jesus’ life on Earth where he engages with the culture around him and chooses to love the unloved and calls us to have the faith of a child. THAT is where my heart lies. And if that is what Jesus is about, then sign me up. I do not want to be associated with a church that condemns homosexuals; that says you can only listen to Christian music and read Christian books; that says you shouldn’t question your faith; that keeps building bigger buildings and making dumb Christian bumper stickers; that holds to a certain political standpoint. I want to be associated with a church that loves and welcomes homosexuals into its doors; that recognizes the beauty and truth that come from artists and singers and writers and poets that don’t proclaim to be Christian or become part of a Christian industry; that says let’s have a class to explore other religions; that accepts those who doubt or have questions; that meets in an abandoned building because they want to give any money and resources they have to doing ministry; that says I don’t give a damn if you love or hate Obama and the direction this country is moving.
But I am also equally frustrated with people who call themselves Christians yet their lifestyle doesn’t bear good fruit, doesn’t show that they seek to live in a way that is glorifying to God. Yes, sin can still entangle us and we have forgiveness and grace if we mess up, but in Christ we are no longer a slave to sin. I didn’t swear or drink or party or have sex back in middle school and high school mainly because I was taught that it was bad for Christians to do and I was trying to maintain an image, a reputation as a Christian, not quite really knowing why, and always being a little curious and frustrated that I couldn’t experience things that the world offered me. Now, after some years of maturing in my understanding of what being a Christian means and exploring the why’s of this religion I’ve adopted, the things I choose to do and say do not stem from a legalistic religion I follow, but from who I am. I am a new creation in Christ. But I am human. I fail. I am not perfect. However, the way I live my life flows out of a desire to honor God, because in this, I find the most truth and freedom and beauty and love and peace. Jesus overcame the law. We have been redeemed. Some Christians and churches set in place remind me a lot of the Pharisees in the Bible, and I hate that. Yet, we shouldn’t dismiss all legalism just because we have been redeemed from it. For example, I had a pre-conceived notion that it was terrible to swear and that non-Christians swore and Christians don’t. Now, I see things a little differently and things aren’t so black and white. But I see why that was taught to me originally—because God’s word tells us to tame our tongue. That our tongue is the sharpest sword. That we can either bring life or death through our speech. That we can bring light or darkness to a person’s life. Now, nowhere does it say don’t use the word “shit.” That’s the Christian culture I’ve come from, not from the Bible. Paul even says in Philippians 3:8: “Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish (or the Greek word skubala, which best translated means “shit”), in order that I may gain Christ.” But by throwing the word around meaninglessly or by cursing God and others through my language, I am definitely not bringing about truth and life and goodness. And I believe it can make others stumble or corrupt my own thoughts. Words have power. Words are attached with the witness of a Christian life. Words flow out from what you inwardly think and feel and want to express and proclaim to the world.
Another example: God condemns drunkenness. Thus, the church at large (for the most part), condemns drunkenness. (Clarification--not people who are drunks, or who occasionally get drunk, but drunkenness.) This is not some rule that the church made up like you can only listen to Christian music. It is written in the Bible, many times, among passages of Jesus’ teachings and parables and miracles. It is something that was written for us for our own sake. God’s teachings are wise and bring life to us, rather than destruction and confusion. I think this passage (Galatians 5:16-21) most clearly states what I’m trying to get at:
“16But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. 18But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. 19Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, 20idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, 21envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.”
And this last part, frankly, upon first read, I hate. Taken out of the context of the entire Bible, it seems that those people who do these things will never inherit the kingdom of God. Yet, we know that God’s grace covers all sin if we choose to accept it, so why would this be in the Bible? It seems like there is no grace. But notice verse 18 says, “But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.” It’s this crazy, awesome, confusing paradox in a way. Jesus was not about legalism and we don’t need to live by all the laws that are stated in the old testament books because of Jesus’ death and resurrection, yet because the Spirit indwells in us and fills us, we are led inwardly to follow the law that Jesus proclaimed and to stay away from sin that can entangle us and lead us astray. We will not inherit the kingdom of God—which exists both here and in heaven—if we choose to engage in those sins rather than accept God’s generous gift to us—His Spirit, which leads us into life. I think a synonymous last sentence of verse 21 could be “I warn you, as I warned you before, if you don’t accept the life that my Spirit is able to give to you, you will be lead into misery and death. So accept this blessing!” That’s what I look at the Spirit and its leading into righteousness as—a magnificent blessing.
While I hate the separatism that happens between Christians and the culture we are surrounded by, I also hate when Christians go the other direction and succumb to the largely corrupted culture that we live in rather than try to create, as God did when he created the world, truth and beauty and purity and goodness, and to wear on our sleeve the fruits of the spirit. I think either we try to completely get away from culture, from the world, and then lose our ability to witness and minister and co-exist with people of different backgrounds and beliefs and personalities and socio-economic levels, or we completely get away from the Christian subculture and then slowly drift away from the teachings of Christianity and into the lifestyles and pressures of the world because we hate too much to be different or look different or think there's no way we can have an influence on culture.
This is the dichotomy of Christianity. This will no doubt frustrate me the rest of my life. But I’m so glad I have gained so much clarity this summer, and I am so glad I was able to write out a lot of what has been stirring within me.
Thanks for reading.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Living Life Together
My perspective is changing outside of the Christian bubble that is Taylor. Funny how that happens (...not really). As great as I think Taylor is and as much as the people there have blessed me and the integration of faith in my education has blessed me, I am very much aware (especially now) that Taylor's campus is far far far from the real world. And even though their doctrine is solid and the school is so focused on community and global engagement, there's no way it can be understood from learning about these things through chapel speakers or classes or even short-term missions. Which makes me more ready/excited to be done when I thought I would never want to leave...
My internship with The Mercy House in which communal living is at the center, reading Shane Claiborne's "The Irresistible Revolution," plus this Life Together Conference I attended at Englewood Community Church in Indianapolis this weekend have begun to transform my perspective of what "church" means and what being a Christian looks like.
Though my fellow interns and I joked about all the "buzz words" that were used during this conference (and they definitely were a little annoying after hearing them all day), they are definitely SO important in beginning to peg down what Christian living involves. Those key ideas/words include: "community," "communal/mutual discernment," "stability," "peace-making" (rather than peace-faking and peace-breaking), "stubborn loyalty," "humility," "branching," "engagement," "missional," and last but certainly not least, "reconciliation" (I wish I had tallied how many times this word was said).
In some ways I feel I am becoming so liberal and hippyish, which I think is kind of funny coming from a large Evangelical church and conservative background. I can't deny that it gave me a great foundation in my faith, and I definitely still hold to the doctrine of the Bible, to the Apostle's Creed, to the gospel message... Yet, I'm feeling now I'm better seeing the gospel message for what it is.
After reading "The Irresistible Revolution," I now consider myself a pacifist. My heart now breaks for our nation's "enemy"--the Iraqui people (children in particular, as my heart goes out for all children everywhere). And while I still fully believe that as Christians we must strive for righteous living, I am seeing the error of my ways in judging another's life and whether they are living "righteously" rather than accepting them and loving them for who they are. I'm realizing my love and my own committment to Christ has the potential of pointing them to Christ and his commandments, and discipleship flows forth from love.
I'm realizing service projects and short-term missions are not enough. I'm realizing church is not just a place Christians go to be fed Sunday mornings (which I did for 2 years at The Mercy House). I'm realizing that people driving in and out of church Sunday mornings isn't really doing anything for the body of Christ. I'm realizing all of the downsides of megachurches (spending money on building projects that could go to people who need it, people driving in and not getting involved with one another or in outreach to the community, the fact that people become numbers, the emphasis solely on preaching the gospel to convert people, etc.) I'm realizing the good in churches branching and being planted in other areas when they become too large. And when I previously held this notion of "how can I be a light in this dark world," I'm realizing I don't have to fear because there are so many people in this world seeking just this--community with one another in an effort to bind together the body of Christ and to push TOGETHER to make the things we dream about a reality. This still overwhelms me, especially as I see all the poverty and depression in Anderson and feeling kind of hopeless, as I realize how broken not only this town is, but the whole world--even (maybe especially) suburbia. But we dream and we pray and we act--together--to do the best we can to live out what Jesus has called us to...
**************
Some great ideas/thoughts/questions I wrote down from the conference this weekend:
-Communal discernment--take questions to the church body rather than make individual decisions/Consensus decision making--we are EQUAL in Christ (the "head pastor" doesn't have final authority)
-"Either the church exists for itself or it doesn't exist at all"
-Eating meals together (simple, but so life-giving...and Jesus and his disciples ate all their meals together. the idea was brought forth that maybe Jesus meant eating the bread and wine "in rememberance of me" meant even that we should eat and drink PERIOD in rememberance of Jesus...though i'm not sure i'm in agreement with that and it sounds heretical, it's an interesting discussion topic...)
-How do we create a place of stability when we are called to places of instability?
-Mutual submission--being humble enough to say "I don't know" and joining together, working through the issue in humility
-Stubborn loyalty--you become stubbornly loyal to the guy sitting next to you that believes something completely different than you
-"It's hard work to get people to be vulnerable when vulnerability has hurt them in the past."
-"Be in it for the long haul. Our actions over time will bear witness."
-"You must first be reconciled as a church body, THEN push reconciliation beyond the church. The church must be a reconciled body in order for God to use us to reconcile the world."
-"Empty self so you can be filled with the fullness of God" (idea coming from Philippians 2)
-BALANCE! "You can't continue to do the work of the kingdom of God if you don't rest"
-"Live day after day seeking the kingdom and we will get caught up in the sufferings of Christ...we don't have to be 'heroic' [to suffer like Christ]."
-Communities are never stable--they grow and break--but if they are rooted, they will continue on
-"If we were free agent individual Christians, we couldn't do nearly as much. We need to bind ourselves to one another and to Christ through coming together as a church body. We need to bind each other to PEOPLE more than to a plot of land."
***************
So what?
So...this inspires me to be more than a church-goer and a "good" Christian the rest of my life. More than a classroom teacher 5 days a week (if that's what I end up doing). More than a person who maybe serves in a soup kitchen once a week. More than a person who goes on another short-term missions trip somewhere. This inspires me to dream big. To partner with a church to provide tutoring or maybe music education to kids who need it/want it. To invite children into my home and give them meals and love and care. To hold a Bible study or book club or just have tea and listen to music and talk about life in my home with my neighbors (whether churched or unchurched) and members of the church body. The possibilities and the opportunities for deep and rich community and discipleship are endless...
And I decided one thing for sure: I never want to live alone. While I feel I fluctuate between introvert and extrovert, I love people. I need people. And I'm realizing...people need me. And sometimes I underestimate what I can give to other people through the blessings and gifts God has given me.
And I LOVE living in this broken, eclectic, messy, gender-mixed house community in Anderson, IN and getting to know people at The Mercy House who have this very vision of reconciliation at the heart of its mission and doctrine.
My internship with The Mercy House in which communal living is at the center, reading Shane Claiborne's "The Irresistible Revolution," plus this Life Together Conference I attended at Englewood Community Church in Indianapolis this weekend have begun to transform my perspective of what "church" means and what being a Christian looks like.
Though my fellow interns and I joked about all the "buzz words" that were used during this conference (and they definitely were a little annoying after hearing them all day), they are definitely SO important in beginning to peg down what Christian living involves. Those key ideas/words include: "community," "communal/mutual discernment," "stability," "peace-making" (rather than peace-faking and peace-breaking), "stubborn loyalty," "humility," "branching," "engagement," "missional," and last but certainly not least, "reconciliation" (I wish I had tallied how many times this word was said).
In some ways I feel I am becoming so liberal and hippyish, which I think is kind of funny coming from a large Evangelical church and conservative background. I can't deny that it gave me a great foundation in my faith, and I definitely still hold to the doctrine of the Bible, to the Apostle's Creed, to the gospel message... Yet, I'm feeling now I'm better seeing the gospel message for what it is.
After reading "The Irresistible Revolution," I now consider myself a pacifist. My heart now breaks for our nation's "enemy"--the Iraqui people (children in particular, as my heart goes out for all children everywhere). And while I still fully believe that as Christians we must strive for righteous living, I am seeing the error of my ways in judging another's life and whether they are living "righteously" rather than accepting them and loving them for who they are. I'm realizing my love and my own committment to Christ has the potential of pointing them to Christ and his commandments, and discipleship flows forth from love.
I'm realizing service projects and short-term missions are not enough. I'm realizing church is not just a place Christians go to be fed Sunday mornings (which I did for 2 years at The Mercy House). I'm realizing that people driving in and out of church Sunday mornings isn't really doing anything for the body of Christ. I'm realizing all of the downsides of megachurches (spending money on building projects that could go to people who need it, people driving in and not getting involved with one another or in outreach to the community, the fact that people become numbers, the emphasis solely on preaching the gospel to convert people, etc.) I'm realizing the good in churches branching and being planted in other areas when they become too large. And when I previously held this notion of "how can I be a light in this dark world," I'm realizing I don't have to fear because there are so many people in this world seeking just this--community with one another in an effort to bind together the body of Christ and to push TOGETHER to make the things we dream about a reality. This still overwhelms me, especially as I see all the poverty and depression in Anderson and feeling kind of hopeless, as I realize how broken not only this town is, but the whole world--even (maybe especially) suburbia. But we dream and we pray and we act--together--to do the best we can to live out what Jesus has called us to...
**************
Some great ideas/thoughts/questions I wrote down from the conference this weekend:
-Communal discernment--take questions to the church body rather than make individual decisions/Consensus decision making--we are EQUAL in Christ (the "head pastor" doesn't have final authority)
-"Either the church exists for itself or it doesn't exist at all"
-Eating meals together (simple, but so life-giving...and Jesus and his disciples ate all their meals together. the idea was brought forth that maybe Jesus meant eating the bread and wine "in rememberance of me" meant even that we should eat and drink PERIOD in rememberance of Jesus...though i'm not sure i'm in agreement with that and it sounds heretical, it's an interesting discussion topic...)
-How do we create a place of stability when we are called to places of instability?
-Mutual submission--being humble enough to say "I don't know" and joining together, working through the issue in humility
-Stubborn loyalty--you become stubbornly loyal to the guy sitting next to you that believes something completely different than you
-"It's hard work to get people to be vulnerable when vulnerability has hurt them in the past."
-"Be in it for the long haul. Our actions over time will bear witness."
-"You must first be reconciled as a church body, THEN push reconciliation beyond the church. The church must be a reconciled body in order for God to use us to reconcile the world."
-"Empty self so you can be filled with the fullness of God" (idea coming from Philippians 2)
-BALANCE! "You can't continue to do the work of the kingdom of God if you don't rest"
-"Live day after day seeking the kingdom and we will get caught up in the sufferings of Christ...we don't have to be 'heroic' [to suffer like Christ]."
-Communities are never stable--they grow and break--but if they are rooted, they will continue on
-"If we were free agent individual Christians, we couldn't do nearly as much. We need to bind ourselves to one another and to Christ through coming together as a church body. We need to bind each other to PEOPLE more than to a plot of land."
***************
So what?
So...this inspires me to be more than a church-goer and a "good" Christian the rest of my life. More than a classroom teacher 5 days a week (if that's what I end up doing). More than a person who maybe serves in a soup kitchen once a week. More than a person who goes on another short-term missions trip somewhere. This inspires me to dream big. To partner with a church to provide tutoring or maybe music education to kids who need it/want it. To invite children into my home and give them meals and love and care. To hold a Bible study or book club or just have tea and listen to music and talk about life in my home with my neighbors (whether churched or unchurched) and members of the church body. The possibilities and the opportunities for deep and rich community and discipleship are endless...
And I decided one thing for sure: I never want to live alone. While I feel I fluctuate between introvert and extrovert, I love people. I need people. And I'm realizing...people need me. And sometimes I underestimate what I can give to other people through the blessings and gifts God has given me.
And I LOVE living in this broken, eclectic, messy, gender-mixed house community in Anderson, IN and getting to know people at The Mercy House who have this very vision of reconciliation at the heart of its mission and doctrine.
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